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Posts Tagged ‘sobriety’

My first Wharf Rat meeting.
Call it coincidence or call it fate. April 24, 2009, I went to Nassau Coliseum to see The Dead. I was by myself and I was quite happy because it was my first time seeing the Dead sober. My first sober concert was Matisyahu in 2008 but it has nothing to do with recovery so let me move on. when I got to the venue, I headed straight for Shakedown Street and bought a beautiful dress from a really sweet man named Don Bryant. I asked for his information and he told me that he’d be vending at The Gathering of The Vibes. I made a note of it and headed inside the coliseum. As I walked to my section, I passed a booth that said Wharf Rats, I wondered what the hell it was but I thought it might have something to do with stuff to sell and I wasn’t interested in buying anything so I kept walking by. I enjoyed the concert even though it wasn’t as awesome as some shows I’ve seen in the past. I walked out of the coliseum on a clear and warm April night and was feeling so wonderful to be sober. I’ve been seeing the Dead since 1978 and everytime I was high. I was afraid that it wouldn’t be a great experience to go to shows sober. It was quite alright.The next day was Madison Square Garden. This time I was with a whole horde of sober deadheads that I met at my home group in Brooklyn. There is nothing like seeing The Dead or any band at Madison Square Garden! It has always been a magical experience for me (except for the time I saw Genesis during the Duke tour). The crowd was pumped and the band provided the magic. I was home, this is what it was always like for me and I got the magic SOBER! At setbreak, my pregnant sober friend Sarah told me that it was time to go to the Wharf Rats meeting. I was reluctant to go because I like watching the freaks milling around in a drug induced haze. I followed after her and there was a massive crowd of people around the table. People shared and then there was a sober countdown. I just could not stop smiling. I was with my people, I finally have come home! After the meeting was over, a young man with a psychedelic bandanna and tank top came over and started talking to me. His name was Michael and he offered to take me to a Wharf Rats meeting out on Long Island. I had the feeling that his intentions was not solely sober based and I was right because nearly a month later, I finally gave in and hung out with him. It was love at first sight and we’ve been together ever since. Through him, I started going to Phish shows and going to Phellowship meetings and meeting much more wonderful sober friends. What a long, strange trip its been and I cannot be any happier. The Wharf Rats, the Phellowship and my 12 step recovery programs keep me sober and happy. I am really blessed.
I’m a black Wookie, woah!

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Last year around this time, I was at the onset of one of my biggest drinking binges ever.  All local stores that had the strong Polish beer that I swilled was visited by me daily.   I had to have my refrigerator full.   On the weekends, I had beer for breakfast.  It used to be that I had a rule that I drink no alcohol before Noon.  That was broken.  I believe I drank more than when I was swilling with Michael McGreal.  Or even when I was living at Umbrella House and you know I drank a lot then.  Towards the end of November, I rediscovered Barcardi 151.  I needed it.  Nothing else really fucked me up anymore.   Despite the fact that I was on sleeping pills and anti-depressants, I drank constantly.  It wasn’t a success unless I passed out from the booze.   At the end of December, 2007, I went to Jael’s pre-New Year’s Eve party.   I got there drunk and drank more.  I brought my bottle of 151 to keep the party going.   I ended up snorting cocaine that night and I haven’t had that in years. It was weird because when the girl passed me the mirror, the first thought was “I might get a heart attack if I snort this”.   That thought did not stop me from snorting the coke.  It was a good thing that they didn’t know where to cop anymore because I would’ve blown all the cash in my account for some more blow.  I went home in the morning and decided enough was enough.  A look at my reflection in a mirror at the party scared the shit out of me.

What the fuck??!!!

Days later, I go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of champagne.   At the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, I popped open my bottle of bubbly, drank half the bottle that night and poured the rest down the drain.  I haven’t had a drink since.

I started going back to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.  I didn’t want to but I knew I couldn’t stay sober on my own.  I started going to a lot of meetings.  Things got a lot better for me.  I was actually happy, less stressed and I began to do things.  I occasionally went to the gym which was more than never.  I began to take guitar lessons and I started seeing a chiropractor for my ailments.   Things were working out.  As the months progressed, I got up early to do my stretches, I did my prayers every morning.  I was actually feeling so good.
Summer is usually a hateful time of year for me despite the sun and warmth.  This Summer was different.  I did a lot of things with people and I had the best time.

So, I don’t know what happened.  Lately, I’ve been moody and desolate.  My apartment is gathering clutter again and I feel as if I don’t have the strength to deal with it.  I stopped working out, at home and at the gym.  I make excuses for it.  I stopped going to AA meetings regularly.  I’m lucky if I hit two in one week lately.

I just read the book, DRY by Augusten Burroughs and I’m realizing that I”m heading for a relapse if I keep up with my current lifestyle.  Already my body aches are back as a result of no exercise.   I have nine months.  I want to stay sober. I don’t want the chaos that was my life for many years.

I went to two AA meetings tonight. It was a bit overwhelming but I needed to do it.  I shared about what is going on in my life and I feel better now.   I know I have to start going to meetings regularly again.  I have to make sobriety a priority in my life, not going straight home to play on the internet.  I need to take care of myself.  It is a lot of work but in the long run, it makes my life so much happier.

I guess that means no more booty calls, Sorry Jay and Scotty. but it is what it is and I promised myself no more hook ups.   I want a man in my life, not a dick on call.   Right now, I just need to take care of myself, fuck the romance and sex shit for awhile.

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