Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: AA, alcohol, alcoholism, cocaine, drinking, drugging, recovery, relapse, sobriety
Last year around this time, I was at the onset of one of my biggest drinking binges ever. All local stores that had the strong Polish beer that I swilled was visited by me daily. I had to have my refrigerator full. On the weekends, I had beer for breakfast. It used to be that I had a rule that I drink no alcohol before Noon. That was broken. I believe I drank more than when I was swilling with Michael McGreal. Or even when I was living at Umbrella House and you know I drank a lot then. Towards the end of November, I rediscovered Barcardi 151. I needed it. Nothing else really fucked me up anymore. Despite the fact that I was on sleeping pills and anti-depressants, I drank constantly. It wasn’t a success unless I passed out from the booze. At the end of December, 2007, I went to Jael’s pre-New Year’s Eve party. I got there drunk and drank more. I brought my bottle of 151 to keep the party going. I ended up snorting cocaine that night and I haven’t had that in years. It was weird because when the girl passed me the mirror, the first thought was “I might get a heart attack if I snort this”. That thought did not stop me from snorting the coke. It was a good thing that they didn’t know where to cop anymore because I would’ve blown all the cash in my account for some more blow. I went home in the morning and decided enough was enough. A look at my reflection in a mirror at the party scared the shit out of me.
What the fuck??!!!
Days later, I go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of champagne. At the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, I popped open my bottle of bubbly, drank half the bottle that night and poured the rest down the drain. I haven’t had a drink since.
I started going back to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I didn’t want to but I knew I couldn’t stay sober on my own. I started going to a lot of meetings. Things got a lot better for me. I was actually happy, less stressed and I began to do things. I occasionally went to the gym which was more than never. I began to take guitar lessons and I started seeing a chiropractor for my ailments. Things were working out. As the months progressed, I got up early to do my stretches, I did my prayers every morning. I was actually feeling so good.
Summer is usually a hateful time of year for me despite the sun and warmth. This Summer was different. I did a lot of things with people and I had the best time.
So, I don’t know what happened. Lately, I’ve been moody and desolate. My apartment is gathering clutter again and I feel as if I don’t have the strength to deal with it. I stopped working out, at home and at the gym. I make excuses for it. I stopped going to AA meetings regularly. I’m lucky if I hit two in one week lately.
I just read the book, DRY by Augusten Burroughs and I’m realizing that I”m heading for a relapse if I keep up with my current lifestyle. Already my body aches are back as a result of no exercise. I have nine months. I want to stay sober. I don’t want the chaos that was my life for many years.
I went to two AA meetings tonight. It was a bit overwhelming but I needed to do it. I shared about what is going on in my life and I feel better now. I know I have to start going to meetings regularly again. I have to make sobriety a priority in my life, not going straight home to play on the internet. I need to take care of myself. It is a lot of work but in the long run, it makes my life so much happier.
I guess that means no more booty calls, Sorry Jay and Scotty. but it is what it is and I promised myself no more hook ups. I want a man in my life, not a dick on call. Right now, I just need to take care of myself, fuck the romance and sex shit for awhile.
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Bacardi 151 is proof that Satan exists.
Comment by 9nine9 October 4, 2008 @ 3:26 pm